[THE company looked a little flustered one morning when I came in, - so much so, that I inquired of my neighbor, the divinity-student,) what had been going on.It appears that the young fellow whom they call John had taken advantage of my being a little late (I having been rather longer than usual dressing that morning) to circulate several questions involving a quibble or play upon words, - in short, containing that indignity to the human understanding, condemned in the passages from the distinguished moralist of the last century and the illustrious historian of the present, which Icited on a former occasion, and known as a PUN.After breakfast, one of the boarders handed me a small roll of paper containing some of the questions and their answers.I subjoin two or three of them, to show what a tendency there is to frivolity and meaningless talk in young persons of a certain sort, when not restrained by the presence of more reflective natures.- It was asked, "Why tertian and quartan fevers were like certain short-lived insects." Some interesting physiological relation would be naturally suggested.
The inquirer blushes to find that the answer is in the paltry equivocation, that they SKIP a day or two.- "Why an Englishman must go to the Continent to weaken his grog or punch." The answer proves to have no relation whatever to the temperance-movement, as no better reason is given than that island- (or, as it is absurdly written, ILE AND) water won't mix.- But when I came to the next question and its answer, I felt that patience ceased to be a virtue."Why an onion is like a piano" is a query that a person of sensibility would be slow to propose; but that in an educated community an individual could be found to answer it in these words, - "Because it smell odious," QUASI, it's melodious, - is not credible, but too true.I can show you the paper.
Dear reader, I beg your pardon for repeating such things.I know most conversations reported in books are altogether above such trivial details, but folly will come up at every table as surely as purslain and chickweed and sorrel will come up in gardens.This young fellow ought to have talked philosophy, I know perfectly well; but he didn't, - he made jokes.]
I am willing, - I said, - to exercise your ingenuity in a rational and contemplative manner.- No, I do not proscribe certain forms of philosophical speculation which involve an approach to the absurd or the ludicrous, such as you may find, for example, in the folio of the Reverend Father Thomas Sanchez, in his famous Disputations, "De Sancto Matrimonio." I will therefore turn this levity of yours to profit by reading you a rhymed problem, wrought out by my friend the Professor.
THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE:
OR THE WONDERFUL "ONE-HOSS-SHAY."
A LOGICAL STORY.
HAVE you heard of the wonderful one-shay, That was built in such a logical way It ran a hundred years to a day, And then, of a sudden, it - ah, but stay, I'll tell you what happened without delay, Scaring the parson into fits, Frightening people out of their wits, -Have you ever heard of that, I say?
Seventeen hundred and fifty-five.
GEORGIUS SECUNDUS was then alive, -
Snuffy old drone from the German hive.
That was the year when Lisbon-town Saw the earth open and gulp her down, And Braddock's army was done so brown, Left without a scalp to its crown.
It was on the terrible Earthquake-day That the Deacon finished the one-hoss-shay.
Now in building of chaises, I tell you what, There is always SOMEWHERE a weakest spot, -In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill, In panel, or crossbar, or floor, or sill, In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace, - lurking still Find it somewhere you must and will, -Above or below, or within or without, -
And that's the reason, beyond a doubt, A chaise BREASTS DOWN, but doesn't WEAR OUT.
But the Deacon swore (as Deacons do, With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell YEOU,")He would build one shay to beat the taown 'n' the keounty 'n' all the kentry raoun';It should be so built that it COULDN' break daown -- "Fur," said the Deacon, "'t's mighty plain Thut the weakes' place mus' stan the strain;'n' the way t' fix it, uz I maintain, Is only jest T' make that place uz strong uz the rest."So the Deacon inquired of the village folk Where he could find the strongest oak, That couldn't be split nor bent nor broke, -That was for spokes and floor and sills;
He sent for lancewood to make the thills;The crossbars were ash, from the straightest trees;The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese, But lasts like iron for things like these;The hubs of logs from the "Settler's ellum," -Last of its timber, - they couldn't sell 'em, Never an axe had seen their chips, And the wedges flew from between their lips, Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw, Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin too, Steel of the finest, bright and blue;Thoroughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide;Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide Found in the pit when the tanner died.
That was the way he "put her through." -
"There!" said the Deacon, "naow she'll dew."Do! I tell you, I father guess She was a wonder, and nothing less!
Colts grew horses, beards turned gray, Deacon and deaconess dropped away, Children and grand-children - where were they?
But there stood the stout old one-hoss-shay As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake-day!
EIGHTEEN HUNDRED; - it came and found The Deacon's Masterpiece strong and sound.
Eighteen hundred increased by ten; -
"Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then.
Eighteen hundred and twenty came; -
Running as usual; much the same.
Thirty and forty at last arrive, And then come fifty, and FIFTY-FIVE.
Little of all we value here Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year Without both feeling and looking queer.
In fact, there's nothing that keeps its youth, So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
(This is a moral that runs at large;
Take it.- You're welcome.- No extra charge.)FIRST OF NOVEMBER, - the Earthquake-day.-There are traces of age in the one-hoss-shay.