Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the fermentation of adversity to become prolific.The first-fruit of this disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me.I even sincerely wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to make him sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy of it; in a word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me.But the similarity of dispositions was wanting.More insinuating and enlightened than Anet, I possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor commanding strength of character, which I must have had in order to succeed.Neither did the young man possess those qualities which Anet found in me; such as gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge of a want of his instructions, and an ardent desire to render them useful.All these were wanting;the person I wished to improve, saw in me nothing but an importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary he admired his own importance in the house, measuring the services he thought he rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws, hatchets, and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old books: and, perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether blamable;but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make any one die with laughter.With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman; presently he did as much with me, and at length with Madam de Warrens herself.His name, Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the latter appellation he was known at Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he married.
At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing.When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warrens, and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he performed with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle spectator and admirer of his prowess.This lad was not, however, of a bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens, indeed it was impossible to do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened to be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own he was a fool; yet notwithstanding these acknowledgments his follies continued in the same proportion.
His knowledge was so contracted, and his inclinations so mean, that it was useless to reason, and almost impossible to be pleased with him.
Not content with a most charming woman, he amused himself with an old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, whose unwelcome service Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure, though it was absolutely disgusting.I soon perceived this new inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam de Warrens towards me.
The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to approve, is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive.
Take the most sensible, the most philosophic female, one the least attached to pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your reach, will be found the most unpardonable crime, even though she may care nothing for the man.This rule is certainly without exception; since a sympathy so natural and ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence founded only on virtue, attachment, and esteem, Ino longer found with her that union of hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer, for when they were agreed, I enjoyed but little of her confidence, and, at length, was scarcely ever consulted in her affairs.She seemed pleased, indeed, with my company, but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would hardly have missed me.
Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had enjoyed a double life, and, by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard everything that passed, and even those who dwelt there.To avoid continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept and sighed unnoticed in the woods.This life soon became insupportable; I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from her heart, increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to see her, I should feel myself less cruelly separated.
I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she, far from opposing my resolution, approved it.She had an acquaintance at Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of friendship with Monsieur Mably, chief Provost of Lyons.M.
Deybens proposed my educating M.Mably's children; I accepted this offer, and departed for Lyons, without causing, and almost without feeling, the least regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months before, would have given us both the most excruciating torments.