I can rely upon the discretion of Madam Dupin, and the friendship of Madam de Chenonceaux; I had the same dependence upon that of Madam de Francueil, who, however, was long dead before my secret made its way into the world.This it could never have done except by means of the persons to whom I intrusted it, nor did it until after my rupture with them.By this single fact they are judged: without exculpating myself from the blame I deserve, I prefer it to that resulting from their malignity.My fault is great, but it was an error.I have neglected my duty, but the desire of doing an injury never entered my heart; and the feelings of a father were never more eloquent in favor of children whom he never saw.But betraying the confidence of friendship, violating the most sacred of all engagements, publishing secrets confided to us, and wantonly dishonoring the friend we have deceived, and who in detaching himself from our society still respects us, are not faults, but baseness of mind, and the last degree of heinousness.
I have promised my confession and not my justification; on which account I shall stop here.It is my duty faithfully to relate the truth, that of the reader to be just; more than this I never shall require of him.
The marriage of M.de Chenonceaux rendered his mother's house still more agreeable to me, by the wit and merit of the new bride, a very amiable young person, who seemed to distinguish me amongst the scribes of M.Dupin.She was the only daughter of the Viscomtesse de Rochechouart, a great friend of the Comte de Friese, and consequently of Grimm's, who was very attentive to her.However, it was I who introduced him to her daughter; but their characters not suiting each other, this connection was not of long duration; and Grimm, who from that time aimed at what was solid, preferred the mother, a woman of the world, to the daughter who wished for steady friends, such as were agreeable to her, without troubling her head about the least intrigue, or making any interest amongst the great.
Madam Dupin no longer finding in Madam de Chenonceaux all the docility she expected, made her house very disagreeable to her, and Madam de Chenonceaux, having a great opinion of her own merit, and, perhaps, of her birth, chose rather to give up the pleasures of society, and remain almost alone in her apartment, than to submit to a yoke she was not disposed to bear.This species of exile increased my attachment to her, by that natural inclination which excites me to approach the wretched.I found her mind metaphysical.and reflective, although at times a little sophistical; her conversation, which was by no means that of a young woman coming from a convent, had for me the greatest attractions; yet she was not twenty years of age.Her complexion was seducingly fair; her figure would have been majestic had she held herself more upright.Her hair, which was fair, bordering upon ash color, and uncommonly beautiful, called to my recollection that of my poor mamma in the flower of her age, and strongly agitated my heart.But the severe principles I had just laid down for myself, by which at all events I was determined to be guided, secured me from the danger of her and her charms.During a whole summer I passed three or four hours a day in a tete-a-tete conversation with her, teaching her arithmetic, and fatiguing her with my innumerable ciphers, without uttering a single word of gallantry, or even once glancing my eyes upon her.Five or six years later I should not have had so much wisdom or folly; but it was decreed I was never to love but once in my life, and that another person was to have the first and last sighs of my heart.
Since I had lived in the house of Madam Dupin, I had always been satisfied with my situation, without showing the least sign of a desire to improve it.The addition which, in conjunction with M.de Francueil, she had made to my salary, was entirely of their own accord.This year M.de Francueil, whose friendship for me daily increased, had it in his thoughts to place me more at ease, and in a less precarious situation.He was Receiver-General of finance.M.
Dudoyer, his cash-keeper, was old and rich, and wished to retire.M.
de Francueil offered me this place, and to prepare myself for it, Iwent, during a few weeks, to M.Dudoyer, to take the necessary instructions.But whether my talents were ill-suited to the employment, or that Dudoyer, who I thought wished to procure his place for another, was not in earnest in the instructions he gave me, Iacquired by slow degrees, and very imperfectly, the knowledge I was in want of, and could never understand the nature of accounts, rendered intricate, perhaps designedly.However, without having possessed myself of the whole scope of the business, I learned enough of the method to pursue it without the least difficulty; I even entered on my new office; I kept the cashbook and the cash; I paid and received money, took and gave receipts; and although this business was so ill suited to my inclinations as to my abilities, maturity of years beginning to render me sedate, I was determined to conquer my disgust, and entirely devote myself to my new employment.
Unfortunately for me, I had no sooner begun to proceed without difficulty, than M.de Francueil took a little journey, during which Iremained intrusted with the cash, which, at that time, did not amount to more than twenty-five to thirty thousand francs.The anxiety of mind this sum of money occasioned me, made me perceive I was very unfit to be a cash-keeper, and I have no doubt but my uneasy situation, during his absence, contributed to the illness with which Iwas seized after his return.
I have observed in my first part that I was born in a dying state.Adefect in the bladder caused me, during my early years, to suffer an almost continual retention of urine; and my aunt Suson, to whose care I was intrusted, had inconceivable difficulty in preserving me.