This excursion and this occupation enlivened my spirits and was of service to my health.Several years before, tormented by my disorder, I had entirely given myself up to the care of physicians, who, without alleviating my sufferings, exhausted my strength and destroyed my constitution.At my return from St.Germain, I found myself stronger and perceived my health to be improved.I followed this indication, and determined to cure myself or die without the aid of physicians and medicine.I bade them forever adieu, and lived from day to day, keeping close when I found myself indisposed, and going abroad the moment I had sufficient strength to do it.The manner of living in Paris amidst people of pretensions was so little to my liking; the cabals of men of letters, their little candor in their writings, and the air of importance they gave themselves in the world, were so odious to me; I found so little mildness, openness of heart and frankness in the intercourse even of my friends; that, disgusted with this life of tumult, I began ardently to wish to reside in the country, and not perceiving that my occupations permitted me to do it, I went to pass there all the time I had to spare.For several months Iwent after dinner to walk alone in the Bois de Boulogne, meditating on subjects for future works, and not returning until evening.
Gauffecourt, with whom I was at that time extremely intimate, being on account of his employment obliged to go to Geneva, proposed to me the journey, to which I consented.The state of my health was such as to require the cares of the governess; it was therefore decided she should accompany us, and that her mother should remain in the house.After thus having made our arrangements, we set off on the first of June, 1754.
This was the period when at the age of forty-two, I for the first time in my life felt a diminution of my natural confidence, to which Ihad abandoned myself without reserve or inconvenience.We had a private carriage, in which with the same horses we traveled very slowly.I frequently got out and walked.We had scarcely performed half our journey when Theresa showed the greatest uneasiness at being left in the carriage with Gauffecourt, and when, notwithstanding her remonstrances, I would get out as usual, she insisted upon doing the same, and walking with me.I chid her for this caprice, and so strongly opposed it, that at length she found herself obliged to declare to me the cause whence it proceeded.I thought I was in a dream; my astonishment was beyond expression, when I learned that my friend M.de Gauffecourt, upwards of sixty years of age, crippled by the gout, impotent and exhausted by pleasures, had, since our departure, incessantly endeavored to corrupt a person who belonged to his friend, and was no longer young nor handsome, by the most base and shameful means, such as presenting to her a purse, attempting to inflame her imagination by the reading of an abominable book, and by the sight of infamous figures, with which it was filled.Theresa, full of indignation, once threw his scandalous book out of the carriage; and I learned that on the.first evening of our journey, a violent headache having obliged me to retire to bed before supper, he had employed the whole time of this tete-a-tete in actions more worthy of a satyr than a man of worth and honor, to whom I thought Ihad intrusted my companion and myself.What astonishment and grief of heart for me! I, who until then had believed friendship to be inseparable from every amiable and noble sentiment which constitutes all its charm, for the first time in my life found myself under the necessity of connecting it with disdain, and of withdrawing my confidence from a man for whom I had an affection, and by whom Iimagined myself beloved! The wretch concealed from me his turpitude;and that I might not expose Theresa, I was obliged to conceal from him my contempt, and secretly to harbor in my heart such sentiments as were foreign to its nature.Sweet and sacred illusion of friendship!
Gauffecourt first took the veil from before my eyes.What cruel hands have since that time prevented it from again being drawn over them!
At Lyons I quitted Gauffecourt to take the road to Savoy, being unable to be so near to mamma without seeing her.I saw her- Good God, in what a situation! How contemptible! What remained to her of primitive virtue? Was it the same Madam de Warrens, formerly so gay and lively, to whom the vicar of Pontverre had given me recommendations? How my heart was wounded! The only resource I saw for her was to quit the country.I earnestly but vainly repeated the invitation I had several times given her in my letters to come and live peacefully with me, assuring her I would dedicate the rest of my life, and that of Theresa, to render hers happy.Attached to her pension, from which, although it was regularly paid, she had not for a long time received the least advantage, my offers were lost upon her.I again gave her a trifling part of the contents of my purse, much less than I ought to have done, and considerably less than Ishould have offered her had not I been certain of its not being of the least service to herself.During my residence at Geneva, she made a journey into Chablais, and came to see me at Grange-canal.She was in want of money to continue her journey: what I had in my pocket was insufficient to this purpose, but an hour afterwards I sent it her by Theresa.Poor mamma! I must relate this proof of the goodness of her heart.A little diamond ring was the last jewel she had left.