Had I been young and amiable, and Madam d'Houdetot, afterwards weak, I should here blame her conduct; but this was not the case, and I am obliged to applaud and admire it.The resolution she took was equally prudent and generous.She could not suddenly break with me without giving her reasons for it to Saint Lambert, who himself had desired her to come and see me; this would have exposed two friends to a rupture, and perhaps a public one, which she wished to avoid.She had for me esteem and good wishes; she pitied my folly without encouraging it, and endeavored to restore me to reason.She was glad to preserve to her lover and herself a friend for whom she had some respect; and she spoke of nothing with more pleasure than the intimate and agreeable society we might form between us three the moment Ishould become reasonable.She did not always confine herself to these friendly exhortations, and, in case of need, did not spare me more severe reproaches, which I had richly deserved.
I spared myself still less: the moment I was alone I began to recover; I was more calm after my declaration- love, known to the person by whom it is inspired, becomes more supportable.
The forcible manner in which I approached myself with mine ought to have cured me of it had the thing been possible.What powerful motives did I not call to my aid to stifle it? My morals, sentiments and principles; the shame, the treachery and crime, of abusing what was confided to friendship, and the ridiculousness of burning, at my age, with the most extravagant passion for an object whose heart was pre-engaged, and who could neither make me a return, nor least hope;moreover with a passion which, far from having anything to gain by constancy, daily became less sufferable.
We would imagine that the last consideration which ought to have added weight to all the others, was that whereby I eluded them! What scruple, thought I, ought I to make of a folly prejudicial to nobody but myself? Am I then a young man of whom Madam d'Houdetot ought to be afraid? Would not it be said by my presumptive remorse that, by my gallantry, manner and dress, I was going to seduce her? Poor Jean-Jacques, love on at thy ease, in all safety of conscience, and be not afraid that thy sighs will be prejudicial to Saint Lambert.
It has been seen that I never was a coxcomb, not even in my youth.
The manner of thinking, of which I have spoken, was according to my turn of mind, it flattered my passion; this was sufficient to induce me to abandon myself to it without reserve, and to laugh even at the impertinent scruple I thought I had made from vanity, rather than from reason.This is a great lesson for virtuous minds, which vice never attacks openly; it finds means to surprise them by masking itself with sophisms, and not unfrequently with a virtue.
Guilty without remorse, I soon became so without measure; and Ientreat it may be observed in what manner my passion followed my nature, at length to plunge me into an abyss.In the first place, it assumed an air of humility to encourage me; and to render me intrepid it carried this humility even to mistrust.Madam d'Houdetot incessantly putting me in mind of my duty, without once for a single moment flattering my folly, treated me with the greatest mildness, and remained with me upon the footing of the most tender friendship.
This friendship would, I protest, have satisfied my wishes, had Ithought it sincere; but finding it too strong to be real, I took it into my head that love, so ill-suited to my age and appearance, had rendered me contemptible in the eyes of Madam d'Houdetot; that this young mad creature only wished to divert herself with me and my superannuated passion; that she had communicated this to Saint-Lambert; and that the indignation caused by my breach of friendship, having made her lover enter into her views, they were agreed to turn my head and then to laugh at me.This folly, which at twenty-six years of age, had made me guilty of some extravagant behavior to Madam de Larnage, whom I did not know, would have been pardonable in me at forty-five with Madam d'Houdetot had not I known that she and her lover were persons of too much uprightness to indulge themselves in such a barbarous amusement.
Madam d'Houdetot continued her visits, which I delayed not to return.She, as well as myself, was fond of walking, and we took long walks in an enchanting country.Satisfied with loving and daring to say I loved, I should have been in the most agreeable situation had not my extravagance spoiled all the charm of it.She, at first, could not comprehend the foolish pettishness with which Ireceived her attentions; but my heart, incapable of concealing what passed in it, did not long leave her ignorant of my suspicions; she endeavored to laugh at them, but this expedient did not succeed;transports of rage would have been the consequence, and she changed her tone.Her compassionate gentleness was invincible; she made me reproaches, which penetrated my heart; she expressed an inquietude at my unjust fears, of which I took advantage.I required proofs of her being in earnest.She perceived there was no other means of relieving me from my apprehensions.I became pressing: the step was delicate.It is astonishing, and perhaps without example, that a woman having suffered herself to be brought to hesitate should have got herself off so well.She refused me nothing the most tender friendship could grant; yet she granted me nothing that rendered her unfaithful, and I had the mortification to see that the disorder into which her most trifling favors had thrown all my senses had not the least affect upon hers.