Do not, however, imagine that in this situation my passions left me as undisturbed as I was with Theresa and mamma.I have already observed I was this time inspired not only with love, but with love and all its energy and fury.I will not describe either the agitations, tremblings, palpitations, convulsionary emotions, nor faintings of the heart, I continually experienced; these may be judged of by the effect her image alone made upon me.I have observed the distance from the Hermitage to Eaubonne was considerable; I went by the hills of Andilly, which are delightful; I mused, as I walked, on her whom I was going to see, the charming reception she would give me, and upon the kiss which awaited me at my arrival.This single kiss, this pernicious embrace, even before I received it, inflamed my blood to such a degree as to affect my head, my eyes were dazzled, my knees trembled, and unable to support me; and I was obliged to stop and sit down; my whole frame was in inconceivable disorder, and Iwas upon the point of fainting.Knowing the danger, I endeavored at setting out to divert my attention from the object, and think of something else.I had not proceeded twenty steps before the same recollection, and all that was the consequence of it, assailed me in such a manner that it was impossible to avoid them, and in spite of all my efforts I do not believe I ever made this little excursion alone with impunity.I arrived at Eaubonne, weak, exhausted, and scarcely able to support myself.The moment I saw her everything was repaired; all I felt in her presence was the importunity of an inexhaustible and useless ardor.Upon the road to Eaubonne there was a pleasant terrace, called Mont Olympe, at which we sometimes met.Iarrived first, it was proper I should wait for her; but how dear this waiting cost me! To divert my attention, I endeavored to write with my pencil billets, which I could have written with the purest drops of my blood; I never could finish one which was eligible.When she found a note in the niche upon which we had agreed, all she learned from the contents was the deplorable state in which I was when I wrote it.This state and its continuation, during three months of irritation and self-denial, so exhausted me, that I was several years before I recovered from it, and at the end of these it left me an ailment which I shall carry with me, or which will carry me to the grave.Such was the sole enjoyment of a man of the most combustible constitution, but who was, at the same time, perhaps, one of the most timid mortals nature ever produced.Such were the last happy days I can reckon upon earth; at the end of these began the long train of evils, in which there will be found but little interruption.
It has been seen that, during the whole course of my life, my heart, as transparent as crystal, has never been capable of concealing for the space of a moment any sentiment in the least lively which had taken refuge in it.It will therefore be judged whether or not it was possible for me long to conceal my affection for Madam d'Houdetot.
Our intimacy struck the eyes of everybody, we did not make of it either a secret or a mystery.It was not of a nature to require any such precaution, and as Madam d'Houdetot had for me the most tender friendship with which she did not reproach herself, and I for her an esteem with the justice of which nobody was better acquainted than myself; she frank, absent, heedless; I true, awkward, haughty, impatient and choleric; we exposed ourselves more in deceitful security than we should have done had we been culpable.We both went to the Chevrette; we sometimes met there by appointment.We lived there according to our accustomed manner; walking together every day talking of our amours, our duties, our friend, and our innocent projects: all this in the park opposite the apartment of Madam d'Epinay, under her windows, whence incessantly examining us, and thinking herself braved, she by her eyes filled her heart with rage and indignation.
Women have the art of concealing their anger, especially when it is great.Madam d'Epinay, violent but deliberate, possessed this art to an eminent degree.She feigned not to see or suspect anything, and at the same time that she doubled towards me her cares, attention, and allurements, she affected to load her sister-in-law with incivilities and marks of disdain, which she seemingly wished to communicate to me.It will easily be imagined she did not succeed; but I was on the rack.Torn by opposite passions, at the same time that I was sensible of her caresses, I could scarcely contain my anger when I saw her wanting in good manners to Madam d'Houdetot.The angelic sweetness of this lady made her endure everything without a complaint, or even without being offended.
She was, in fact, so absent, and always so little attentive to these things, that half the time she did not perceive them.