As soon as I thought I could depend upon this, I began to ease my heart, by confessing to her all my faults, having made it an inviolable maxim to show myself to my friends such as I really was, neither better nor worse.I had declared to her my connection with Theresa, and everything that had resulted from it, without concealing the manner in which I had disposed of my children.She had received my confessions favorably, and even too much so, since she spared me the censures I so much merited; and what made the greatest impression upon me was her goodness to Theresa, making her presents, sending for her, and begging her to come and see her, receiving her with caresses, and often embracing her in public.This poor girl was in transports of joy and gratitude, of which I certainly partook;the friendship Madam de Luxembourg showed me in her condescensions to Theresa affected me much more than if they had been made immediately to myself.
Things remained in this state for a considerable time; but at length Madam de Luxembourg carried her goodness so far as to have a desire to take one of my children from the hospital.She knew I had put a cipher into the swaddling clothes of the eldest; she asked me for the counterpart of the cipher, and I gave it her.In this research she employed La Roche, her valet de chamber and confidential servant, who made vain inquiries, although after only about twelve or fourteen years, had the registers of the foundling hospital been in order, or the search properly made, the original cipher ought to have been found.However this may be, I was less sorry for his want of success than I should have been had I from time to time continued to see the child from his birth until that moment.If by the aid of the indications given, another child had been presented as my own, the doubt of its being so in fact, and the fear of having one thus substituted for it, would have contracted my affections, and Ishould not have tasted of the charm of the real sentiment of nature.
This during infancy stands in need of being supported by habit.The long absence of a child whom the father has seen but for an instant, weakens, and at length annihilates paternal sentiment, and parents will never love a child sent to nurse, like that which is brought up under their eyes.This reflection may extenuate my faults in their effects, but it must aggravate them in their source.
It may not perhaps be useless to remark that by the means of Theresa, the same La Roche became acquainted with Madam de Vasseur, whom Grimm still kept at Deuil, near La Chevrette, and not far from Montmorency.
After my departure it was by means of La Roche that I continued to send this woman the money I had constantly sent her at stated times, and I am of opinion he often carried her presents from Madam de Luxembourg; therefore she certainly was not to be pitied, although she constantly complained.With respect to Grimm, as I am not fond of speaking of persons whom I ought to hate, I never mentioned his name to Madam de Luxembourg, except when I could not avoid it; but she frequently made him the subject of conversation, without telling me what she thought of the man, or letting me discover whether or not he was of her acquaintance.Reserve with people I love and who are open with me being contrary to my nature, especially in things relating to themselves, I have since that time frequently thought of that of Madam de Luxembourg; but never, except when other events rendered the recollection natural.
Having waited a long time without hearing speak of Emile, after Ihad given it to Madam de Luxembourg, I at last heard the agreement was made at Paris, with the bookseller Duchesne, and by him with Neaulme, of Amsterdam.Madam de Luxembourg sent me the original, and the duplicate of my agreement with Duchesne, that I might sign them.Idiscovered the writing to be by the same hand as that of the letters of M.de Malesherbes, which he himself did not write.The certainty that my agreement was made by the consent, and under the eye of that magistrate, made me sign without hesitation.Duchesne gave me for the manuscript six thousand livres, half down, and one or two hundred copies.After having signed the two documents, I sent them both to Madam de Luxembourg, according to her desire; she gave one to Duchesne, and instead of returning the other kept it herself, so that I never saw it afterwards.
My acquaintance with M.and Madam de Luxembourg, though it diverted me a little from my plan of retirement, did not make me entirely renounce it.Even at the time I was most in favor with Madam de Luxembourg, I always felt that nothing but my sincere attachment to the marechal and herself could render to me supportable the people with whom they were connected, and all the difficulty I had was in conciliating this attachment with a manner of life more agreeable to my inclination, and less contrary to my health, which constraint and late suppers continually deranged, notwithstanding all the care taken to prevent it; for in this, as in everything else, attention was carried as far as possible; thus, for instance, every evening after supper the marechal, who went early to bed, never failed, notwithstanding everything that could be said to the contrary, to make me withdraw at the same time.It was not until some little time before my catastrophe that, for what reason I know not, he ceased to pay me that attention.Before I perceived the coolness of Madam de Luxembourg, I was desirous, that I might not expose myself to it, to execute my old project; but not having the means to that effect, I was obliged to wait for the conclusion of the agreement for Emile, and in the time I finished the Contrat Social, and sent it to Rey, fixing the price of the manuscript at a thousand livres, which he paid me.