Clearly perceiving that there was some mystery, which no one thought proper to explain to me, I patiently awaited the event, depending upon my integrity and innocence, and thinking myself happy, let the persecution which awaited me be what it would, to be called to the honor of suffering in the cause of truth.Far from being afraid and concealing myself, I went every day to the castle, and in the afternoon took my usual walk.On the eighth of June, the evening before the order was concluded on, I walked in company with two professors of the oratory, Father Alamanni and Father Mandard.We carried to Champeaux a little collation, which we ate with a keen appetite.We had forgotten to bring glasses, and supplied the want of them by stalks of rye, through which we sucked up the wine from the bottle, piquing ourselves upon the choice of large tubes to vie with each other in pumping up what we drank.I never was more cheerful in my life.
I have related in what manner I lost my sleep during my youth.I had since that time contracted a habit of reading every night in my bed, until I found my eyes begin to grow heavy.I then extinguished my wax taper, and endeavored to slumber for a few moments, which were in general very short.The book I commonly read at night was the Bible, which, in this manner, I read five or six times from the beginning to the end.This evening, finding myself less disposed to sleep than ordinary, I continued my reading beyond the usual hour, and read the whole book which finishes at the Levite of Ephraim, the Book of judges, if I mistake not, for since that time I have never once seen it.This history affected me exceedingly, and, in a kind of dream, my imagination still ran on it, when suddenly I was roused from my stupor by a noise and light.Theresa, carrying a candle, lighted M.la Roche, who perceiving me hastily raise myself up, said: "Do not be alarmed; I come from Madam de Luxembourg, who, in her letter, incloses you another from the Prince of Conti." In fact, in the letter of Madam de Luxembourg I found another, which an express from the prince had brought her, stating that, notwithstanding all his efforts, it was determined to proceed against me with the utmost rigor."The fermentation," said he, "is extreme; nothing can ward off the blow; the court requires it, and the parliament will absolutely proceed; at seven o'clock in the morning an order will be made to arrest him, and persons will immediately be sent to execute it.I have obtained a promise that he shall not be pursued if he makes his escape; but if he persists in exposing himself to be taken this will immediately happen." La Roche conjured me in behalf of Madam de Luxembourg to rise and go and speak to her.It was two o'clock, and she had just retired to bed."She expects you," added he, "and will not go to sleep without speaking to you." I dressed myself in haste and ran to her.
She appeared to be agitated; this was for the first time.Her distress affected me.In this moment of surprise and in the night, Imyself was not free from emotion; but on seeing her I forgot my own situation, and thought of nothing but the melancholy part she would have to act should I suffer myself to be arrested; for feeling I had sufficient courage strictly to adhere to truth, although I might be certain of its being prejudicial or even destructive to me, I was convinced I had not presence of mind, address, nor perhaps firmness enough, not to expose her should I be closely pressed.This determined me to sacrifice my reputation to her tranquillity, and to do for her that which nothing could have prevailed upon me to do for myself.
The moment I had come to this resolution, I declared it, wishing not to diminish the magnitude of the sacrifice by giving her the least trouble to obtain it.I am sure she could not mistake my motive, although she said not a word, which proved to me she was sensible of it.I was so much shocked at her indifference that I, for a moment, thought of retracting; but the marechal came in, and Madam de Boufflers arrived from Paris a few moments afterwards.They did what Madam de Luxembourg ought to have done.I suffered myself to be flattered; I was ashamed to retract; and the only thing that remained to be determined upon was the place of my retreat and the time of my departure.M.de Luxembourg proposed to me to remain incognito a few days at the castle, that we might deliberate at leisure, and take such measures as should seem most proper; to this I would not consent, no more than to go secretly to the temple.Iwas determined to set off the same day rather than remain concealed in any place whatever.
Knowing I had secret and powerful enemies in the kingdom, I thought, notwithstanding my attachment to France, I ought to quit it, the better to insure my future tranquillity.My first intention was to retire to Geneva, but a moment of reflection was sufficient to dissuade me from committing that act of folly; I knew the ministry of France, more powerful at Geneva than at Paris, would not leave me more at peace in one of these cities than in the other, were a resolution taken to torment me.I was also convinced the Discourse upon Inequality had excited against me in the council a hatred the more dangerous as the council dared not make it manifest.I had also learned, that when the Nouvelle Heloise appeared, the same council had immediately forbidden the sale of that work, upon the solicitation of Doctor Tronchin; but, perceiving the example not to be imitated, even in Paris, the members were ashamed of what they had done, and withdrew the prohibition.
I had no doubt that, finding in the present case a more favorable opportunity, they would be very careful to take advantage of it.