Füsun's Tears
AT NOON the next day I went back to the ?anzelize Boutique carrying the same plastic bag. The bell rang as I walked in, but once again the shop was so gloomy that at first I thought no one was there. In the strange silence of the ill-lit shop the canary sang chik, chik, chik. Then I made out Füsun's shadow through a screen and between the leaves of a huge vase of cyclamens. She was waiting on a fat lady who was trying on an outfit in the fitting room. This time she was wearing a charming and flattering blouse, a print of hyacinths intertwined with leaves and wildflowers. When she saw me she smiled sweetly.
"You seem busy," I said, indicating the fitting room with my eyes.
"We're just about finished," she said, as if to imply she and her customer were at this point just talking idly.
My eyes flitted from the canary fluttering up and down in its cage, a pile of fashion magazines in the corner, and the assortment of accessories imported from Europe, and I couldn't fix my attention on anything. As much as I wanted to dismiss the feeling as ordinary, I could not deny the startling truth that when looking at Füsun, I saw someone familiar, someone I felt I knew intimately. She resembled me. That same sort of hair that grew curly and dark in childhood only to straighten as I grew older. Now it was a shade of blond that, like her clear complexion, was complemented by her printed blouse. I felt I could easily put myself in her place, could understand her deeply. A painful memory came to me: my friends, referring to her as "something out of Playboy." Could she have slept with them? "Return the handbag, take your money and run," I told myself. "You're about to become engaged to a wonderful girl." I turned to look outside, in the direction of Ni?anta?? Square, but soon Füsun's reflection appeared ghostlike in the smoky glass.
After the woman in the fitting room had huffed and puffed her way out of a skirt and left without buying anything, Füsun folded up the discarded items and put them back where they belonged. "I saw you walking down the street yesterday evening," she said, turning up her beautiful lips. She was wearing a light pink lipstick, sold under the brand name Misslyn, and though a common Turkish product, on her it looked exotic and alluring.
"When did you see me?" I asked.
"Early in the evening. You were with Sibel Han?m. I was walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Were you going out to eat?"
"Yes."
"You make a handsome couple!" she said, in the way that the elderly do when taking pleasure at the sight of happy young people.
I did not ask her where she knew Sibel from. "There's a small favor we'd like to ask of you." As I took out the bag, I felt both shame and panic. "We'd like to return this bag."
"Certainly. I'd be happy to exchange it for you. You might like these chic new gloves and we have this hat, which has just arrived from Paris. Sibel Han?m didn't like the bag?"
"I'd prefer not to exchange it," I said shamefacedly. "I'd like to ask for my money back."
I saw shock on her face, even a bit of fear. "Why?" she asked.
"Apparently this bag is not a genuine Jenny Colon," I whispered. "It seems that it's a fake."
"What?"
"I don't really understand these things," I said helplessly.
"Nothing like that ever happens here!" she said in a harsh voice. "Do you want your money back right now?"
"Yes!" I blurted out.
She looked deeply pained. Dear God, I thought, why hadn't I just disposed of this bag and told Sibel I'd gotten the money back? "Look, this has nothing to do with you or ?enay Han?m. We Turks, praise God, manage to make imitations of every European fashion," I said, struggling to smile. "For me—or should I have said for us—it's enough for a bag to fulfill its function, to look lovely in a woman's hand. It's not important what the brand is, or who made it, or if it's an original." But she, like me, didn't believe a word I was saying.
"No, I am going to give you your money back," she said in that same harsh voice. I looked down and remained silent, prepared to meet my fate, and ashamed of my brutishness.
As determined as she sounded, I sensed that Füsun could not do what she was supposed to do; there was something strange in the intensely embarrassing moment. She was looking at the till as if someone had put a spell on it, as if it were possessed by demons, so that she couldn't bring herself to touch it. When I saw her face redden and crinkle up, her eyes welling with tears, I panicked and drew two steps closer.
She began to cry softly. I have never worked out exactly how it happened, but I wrapped my arms around her and she leaned her head against my chest and wept. "Füsun, I'm so sorry," I whispered. I caressed her soft hair and her forehead. "Please, just forget this ever happened. It's a fake handbag, that's all."
Like a child she took a deep breath, sobbed once or twice, and burst into tears again. To touch her body and her lovely long arms, to feel her breasts pressed against my chest, to hold her like that, if only for a moment, made my head spin: Perhaps it was because I was trying to repress the desire, more intense each time I touched her, that I conjured up this illusion that we had known each other for years, that we were already very close. This was my sweet, inconsolable, grief-stricken, beautiful sister! For a moment—and perhaps because I knew we were related, however slightly—her body, with its long limbs, fine bones, and fragile shoulders, reminded me of my own. Had I been a girl, had I been twelve years younger, this is what my body would be like. "There's nothing to be upset about," I said as I caressed the blond hair.
"I can't open the till to give you back your money," she explained. "Because when ?enay Han?m goes home for lunch, she locks it and takes the key with her, I'm ashamed to say." Leaning her head against my chest, she began to cry again, as I continued my careful and compassionate caresses of her hair. "I just work here to meet people and pass the time. It's not for the money," she sobbed.
"Working for money is nothing to be embarrassed about," I said stupidly, heartlessly.
"Yes," she said, like a dejected child. "My father is a retired teacher…. I turned eighteen two weeks ago, and I didn't want to be a burden."
Fearful of the sexual beast now threatening to rear its head, I took my hand from her hair. She understood at once and collected herself; we both stepped back.
"Please don't tell anyone I cried," she said after she had rubbed her eyes.
"It's a promise," I said. "A solemn promise between friends, Füsun. We can trust each other with our secrets…."
I saw her smile. "Let me leave the handbag here," I said. "I can come back for the money later."
"Leave the bag if you wish, but you had better not come back here for the money. ?enay Han?m will insist that it isn't a fake and you'll come to regret you ever suggested otherwise."
"Then let's exchange it for something," I said.
"I can no longer do that," she said, sounding like a proud and tetchy girl.
"No really, it's not important," I offered.
"But it is to me," she said firmly. "When she comes back to the shop, I'll get the money for the bag from ?enay Han?m."
"I don't want that woman causing you any more upset," I replied.
"Don't worry, I've just worked out how to do this," she said with the faintest of smiles. "I'm going to say that Sibel Han?m already has exactly the same bag, and that's why she's returning it. Is that all right?"
"Wonderful idea," I said. "But why don't I say the same thing to ?enay Han?m?"
"No, don't you say anything to her," Füsun said emphatically. "Because she'll only try to trick you, to extract personal information from you. Don't come to the shop at all. I can leave the money with Aunt Vecihe."
"Oh please, don't involve my mother in this. She's even nosier."
"Then where shall I leave your money?" Füsun asked, raising her eyebrows.
"At the Merhamet Apartments, 131 Te?vikiye Avenue, where my mother has a flat," I said. "Before I went to America I used it as my hideout—I'd go there to study and listen to music. It's a delightful place that looks out over a garden in the back…. I still go there every lunchtime between two and four and shut myself in there to catch up on paperwork."
"Of course. I can bring your money there. What's the apartment number?"
"Four," I whispered. I could barely get out the next three words, which seemed to die in my throat. "Second floor. Good-bye."
My heart had figured it all out and it was beating madly. Before rushing outside, I gathered up all my strength and, pretending nothing unusual had happened, I gave her one last look. Back in the street, my shame and guilt mixed with so many images of bliss amid the unseasonable warmth of that May afternoon that the very sidewalks of Ni?anta?? seemed aglow with a mysterious yellow. My feet chose the shaded path, taking me under the eaves of the buildings and the blue-and-white-striped awnings of the shop windows, and when in one of those windows I saw a yellow jug I felt compelled to go inside and buy it. Unlike any other object acquired so casually, this yellow jug drew no comment from anyone during the twenty years it sat on the table where my mother and father, and later, my mother and I, ate our meals. Every time I touched the handle of that jug, I would remember those days when I first felt the misery that was to turn me in on myself, leaving my mother to watch me in silence at supper, her eyes filled half with sadness, half with reproach.
Arriving home, I greeted my mother with a kiss; though pleased to see me early in the afternoon, she was nevertheless surprised. I told her that I had bought the jug on a whim, adding, "Could you give me the key to the Merhamet Apartments? Sometimes the office gets so noisy I just can't concentrate. I was wondering if I might have better luck at the apartment. It always worked when I was young."
My mother said, "It must be an inch thick with dust," but she went straight to her room to fetch me the key to the building, which was held together with the key to the apartment by a red ribbon. "Do you remember that Kütahya vase with the red flowers?" she asked as she handed me the keys. "I can't find it anywhere in the house, so can you check to see if I took it over there? And don't work so hard…. Your father spent his whole life working hard so that you young ones could have some fun in life. You deserve to be happy. Take Sibel out, enjoy the spring air." Then, pressing the keys into my hand, she gave me a strange look and said, "Be careful!" It was that look my mother would give us when we were children, to warn us that life held unsuspected traps that were far deeper and more treacherous than, for instance, any consequence of failing to take proper care of a key.