"Yes, if he chooses.Or I'll furnish them already loaded.I can hire an expert for $75 a month who will load a hundred and fifty phonographs in 150 hours, and do it easy.And an expert can furnish a stronger article, of course, than the mere average uncultivated mate could.Then you see, all the ships of the world will buy them ready loaded--for I shall have them loaded in any language a customer wants.Hawkins, it will work the grandest moral reform of the 19th century.Five years from now, all the swearing will be done by machinery--you won't ever hear a profane word come from human lips on a ship.Millions of dollars have been spent by the churches, in the effort to abolish profanity in the commercial marine.Think of it--my name will live forever in the affections of good men as the man, who, solitary and alone, accomplished this noble and elevating reform.""O, it is grand and beneficent and beautiful.How did you ever come to think of it? You have a wonderful mind.How did you say you loaded the machine?""O, it's no trouble-perfectly simple.If you want to load it up loud and strong, you stand right over it and shout.But if you leave it open and all set, it'll eavesdrop, so to speak--that is to say, it will load itself up with any sounds that are made within six feet of it.Now I'll show you how it works.I had an expert come and load this one up yesterday.Hello, it's been left open--it's too bad--still I reckon it hasn't had much chance to collect irrelevant stuff.All you do is to press this button in the floor--so."The phonograph began to sing in a plaintive voice:
There is a boarding-house, far far away, Where they have ham and eggs, 3 times a day.
"Hang it, that ain't it.Somebody's been singing around here."The plaintive song began again, mingled with a low, gradually rising wail of cats slowly warming up toward a fight;O, how the boarders yell, When they hear that dinner bell They give that landlord--(momentary outburst of terrific catfight which drowns out one word.)Three times a day.
(Renewal of furious catfight for a moment.The plaintive voice on a high fierce key, "Scat, you devils"--and a racket as of flying missiles.)"Well, never mind--let it go.I've got some sailor-profanity down in there somewhere, if I could get to it.But it isn't any matter; you see how the machine works."Hawkins responded with enthusiasm:
"O, it works admirably! I know there's a hundred fortunes in it.""And mind, the Hawkins family get their share, Washington.""O, thanks, thanks; you are just as generous as ever.Ah, it's the grandest invention of the age!""Ah, well; we live in wonderful times.The elements are crowded full of beneficent forces--always have been--and ours is the first generation to turn them to account and make them work for us.Why Hawkins, everything is useful--nothing ought ever to be wasted.Now look at sewer gas, for instance.Sewer gas has always been wasted, heretofore; nobody tried to save up sewer-gas--you can't name me a man.Ain't that so? you know perfectly well it's so.""Yes it is so--but I never--er--I don't quite see why a body--""Should want to save it up? Well, I'll tell you.Do you see this little invention here?--it's a decomposer--I call it a decomposer.I give you my word of honor that if you show me a house that produces a given quantity of sewer-gas in a day, I'll engage to set up my decomposer there and make that house produce a hundred times that quantity of sewer-gas in less than half an hour.""Dear me, but why should you want to?"
"Want to? Listen, and you'll see.My boy, for illuminating purposes and economy combined, there's nothing in the world that begins with sewer-gas.And really, it don't cost a cent.You put in a good inferior article of plumbing,--such as you find everywhere--and add my decomposer, and there you are.Just use the ordinary gas pipes--and there your expense ends.Think of it.Why, Major, in five years from now you won't see a house lighted with anything but sewer-gas.Every physician I talk to, recommends it; and every plumber.""But isn't it dangerous?"
"O, yes, more or less, but everything is--coal gas, candles, electricity --there isn't anything that ain't.""It lights up well, does it?"
"O, magnificently."
"Have you given it a good trial?"
"Well, no, not a first rate one.Polly's prejudiced, and she won't let me put it in here; but I'm playing my cards to get it adopted in the President's house, and then it'll go--don't you doubt it.I shall not need this one for the present, Washington; you may take it down to some boarding-house and give it a trial if you like."