“Mortimer，it says，‘Whrend eines Gewitters entferne man Metalle，wie z.B.，Ringe，Uhren，Schlüssel，etc.，von sich und halte sich auch nicht an solchen Stellen auf，wo viele Metalle bei einander liegen，oder mit andern Krpern verbunden sind，wie an Herden，Oefen，Eisengittern u.dgl.'What does that mean，Mortimer？Does it mean that you must keep metals about you，or keep them away from you？”
“Well，I hardly know.It appears to be a little mixed.All German advice is more or less mixed.However，I think that that sentence is mostly in the dative case，with a little genitive and accusative sifted in，here and there，for luck；so I reckon it means that you must keep some metals about you.”
“Yes，that must be it.It stands to reason that it is.They are in the nature of lightning-rods，you know.Put on your fireman's helmet，Mortimer；that is mostly metal.”
I got it，and put it on—a very heavy and clumsy and uncomfortable thing on a hot night in a close room.Even my nightdress seemed to be more clothing than I strictly needed.
“Mortimer，I think your middle ought to be protected.Won't you buckle on your militia saber，please？”
I complied.
“Now，Mortimer，you ought to have some way to protect your feet.Do please put on your spurs.”
I did it—in silence—and kept my temper as well as I could.
“Mortimer，it says，‘Das Gewitter luten ist sehr gefhrlich，weil die Glocke selbst，sowie der durch das Luten veranlasste Luftzug und die Hhe des Thurmes den Blitz anziehen knnten.'Mortimer，does that mean that it is dangerous not to ring the church bells during a thunderstorm？”
“Yes，it seems to mean that—if that is the past participle of the nominative case singular，and I reckon it is.Yes，I think it means that on account of the height of the church tower and the absence of Luftzug it would be very dangerous (sehr gefhrlich)not to ring the bells in time of a storm；and，moreover，don't you see，the very wording—”
“Never mind that，Mortimer；don't waste the precious time in talk.Get the large dinner-bell；it is right there in the hall.Quick，Mortimer，dear；we are almost safe.Oh，dear，I do believe we are going to be saved，at last！”
Our little summer establishment stands on top of a high range of hills，overlooking a valley.Several farm-houses are in our neighborhood—the nearest some three or four hundred yards away.
When I，mounted on the chair，had been clanging that dreadful bell a matter of seven or eight minutes，our shutters were suddenly torn open from without，and a brilliant bull's-eye lantern was thrust in at the window，followed by a hoarse inquiry：
“What in the nation is the matter here？”
The window was full of men's heads，and the heads were full of eyes that started wildly at my night-dress and my warlike accoutrements.
I dropped the bell，skipped down from the chair in confusion，and said：
“There is nothing the matter，friends—only a little discomfort on account of the thunder-storm.I was trying to keep off the lightning.”
“Thunder-storm？Lightning？Why，Mr.McWilliams，have you lost your mind？It is a beautiful starlight night；there has been no storm.”
I looked out，and I was so astonished I could hardly speak for a while.Then I said：
“I do not understand this.We distinctly saw the glow of the flashes through the curtains and shutters，and heard the thunder.”
One after another of those people lay down on the ground to laugh—and two of them died.One of the survivors remarked：
“Pity you didn't think to open your blinds and look over to the top of the high hill yonder.What you heard was cannon；what you saw was the flash.You see，the telegraph brought some news，just at midnight；Garfield's nominated—and that's what's the matter！”
Yes，Mr.Twain，as I was saying in the beginning (said Mr.McWilliams)，the rules for preserving people against lightning are so excellent and so innumerable that the most incomprehensible thing in the world to me is how anybody ever manages to get struck.
So saying，he gathered up his satchel and umbrella，and departed；for the train had reached his town.