‘Well,’said Crawford,after a course of rapid questions and reluctant answers-‘I am happier than I was,because I now understand more clearly your opinion of me.You think me unsteady-easily swayed by the whim of the moment-easily tempted-easily put aside.With such an opinion,no wonder that-But we shall see.-It is not by protestations that I shall endeavour to convince you I am wronged,it is not by telling you that my affections are steady.My conduct shall speak for me-absence,distance,time shall speak for me.-They shall prove,that as far as you can be deserved by anybody,I do deserve you.-You are infinitely my superior in merit;all that I know.-You have qualities which I had not before supposed to exist in such a degree in any human creature.You have some touches of the angel in you,beyond what-not merely beyond what one sees,because one never sees any thing like it-but beyond what one fancies might be.But still I am not frightened.It is not by equality of merit that you can be won.That is out of the question.It is he who sees and worships your merit the strongest,who loves you most devotedly,that has the best right to a return.There I build my confidence.By that right I do and will deserve you;and when once convinced that my attachment is what I declare it,I know you too well not to entertain the warmest hopes-Yes,dearest,sweetest Fanny-nay,’(seeing her draw back displeased)‘forgive me.Perhaps I have as yet no right-but by what other name can I call you?Do you suppose you are ever present to my imagination under any other?No,it is “Fanny”that I think of all day,and dream of all night.-You have given the name such reality of sweetness,that nothing else can now be deive of you.’
Fanny could hardly have kept her seat any longer,or have refrained from at least trying to get away in spite of all the too public opposition she foresaw to it,had it not been for the sound of approaching relief,the very sound which she had been long watching for,and long thinking strangely delayed.
The solemn procession,headed by Baddely,tea-board,urn,and cake-bearers,made its appearance,and delivered her from a grievous imprisonment of body and mind.Mr Crawford was obliged to move.She was at liberty,she was busy,she was protected.
Edmund was not sorry to be admitted again among the number of those who might speak and hear.But though the conference had seemed full long to him,and though on looking at Fanny he saw rather a flush of vexation,he inclined to hope that so much could not have been said and listened to without some profit to the speaker.
Chapter 35
Edmund had determined that it belonged entirely to Fanny to choose whether her situation with regard to Crawford should be mentioned between them or not;and that if she did not lead the way,it should never be touched on by him;but after a day or two of mutual reserve,he was induced by his father to change his mind,and try what his influence might do for his friend.
A day,and a very early day,was actually fixed for the Crawfords'departure;and Sir Thomas thought it might be as well to make one more effort for the young man before he left Mansfield,that all his professions and vows of unshaken attachment might have as much hope to sustain them as possible.
Sir Thomas was most cordially anxious for the perfection of Mr Crawford's character in that point.He wished him to be a model of constancy;and fancied the best means of effecting it would be by not trying him too long.
Edmund was not unwilling to be persuaded to engage in the business;he wanted to know Fanny's feelings.She had been used to consult him in every difficulty,and he loved her too well to bear to be denied her confidence now;he hoped to be of service to her,he thought he must be of service to her,whom else had she to open her heart to?If she did not need counsel,she must need the comfort of communication.Fanny estranged from him,silent and reserved,was an unnatural state of things;a state which he must break through,and which he could easily learn to think she was wanting him to break through.
‘I will speak to her,Sir;I will take the first opportunity of speaking to her alone,’was the result of such thoughts as these;and upon Sir Thomas's information of her being at that very time walking alone in the shrubbery,he instantly joined her.
‘I am come to walk with you,Fanny,’said he.‘Shall I?’-(drawing her arm within his)‘It is a long while since we have had a comfortable walk together.’
She assented to it all rather by look than word.Her spirits were low.
‘But,Fanny,’he presently added,‘in order to have a comfortable walk,something more is necessary than merely pacing this gravel together.You must talk to me.I know you have something on your mind.I know what you are thinking of.You cannot suppose me uninformed.Am I to hear of it from everybody but Fanny herself?’
Fanny,at once agitated and dejected,replied,‘If you hear of it from everybody,cousin,there can be nothing for me to tell.’
‘Not of facts,perhaps;but of feelings,Fanny.No one but you can tell me them.I do not mean to press you,however.If it is not what you wish yourself,I have done.I had thought it might be a relief.’
‘I am afraid we think too differently,for me to find any relief in talking of what I feel.’
‘Do you suppose that we think differently?I have no idea of it.I dare say,that on a comparison of our opinions,they would be found as much alike as they have been used to be:to the point-I consider Crawford's proposals as most advantageous and desirable,if you could return his affection.I consider it as most natural that all your family should wish you could return it;but that as you cannot,you have done exactly as you ought in refusing him.Can there be any disagreement between us here?’
‘Oh no!But I thought you blamed me.I thought you were against me.This is such a comfort.’