“I'm hungry and everybody,Pa and the girls and the darkies,are starving and they keep saying over and over:‘We're hungry’and I'm so empty it hurts,and so frightened.My mind keeps saying:‘If I ever get out of this,I'll never,never be hungry again’and then the dream goes off into a gray mist and I'm running,running in the mist,running so hard my heart's about to burst and something is chasing me,and I can't breathe but I keep thinking that if I can just get there,I'll be safe.But I don't know where I'm trying to get to.And then I'd wake up and I'd be cold with fright and so afraid that I'd be hungry again.When I wake up from that dream,it seems like there's not enough money in the world to keep me from being afraid of being hungry again.And then Frank would be so mealy mouthed and slow poky that he would make me mad and I'd lose my temper.He didn't understand,I guess,and I couldn't make him understand.I kept thinking that I'd make it up to him some day when we had money and I wasn't so afraid of being hungry.And now he's dead and it's too late.Oh,it seemed so right when I did it but it was all so wrong.If I had it to do over again,I'd do it so differently.”
“Hush,”he said,disentangling her frantic grip and pulling a clean handkerchief from his pocket.“Wipe your face.There is no sense in your tearing yourself to pieces this way.”
She took the handkerchief and wiped her damp cheeks,a little relief stealing over her as if she had shifted some of her burden to his broad shoulders.He looked so capable and calm and even the slight twist of his mouth was comforting as though it proved her agony and confusion unwarranted.
“Feel better now?Then let's get to the bottom of this.You say if you had it to do over again,you'd do it differently.But would you?Think,now.Would you?”
“Well—”
“No,you'd do the same things again.Did you have any other choice?”
“No.”
“Then what are you sorry about?”
“I was so mean and now he's dead.”
“And if he wasn't dead,you'd still be mean.As I understand it,you are not really sorry for marrying Frank and bullying him and inadvertently causing his death.You are only sorry because you are afraid of going to hell.Is that right?”
“Well—that sounds so mixed up.”
“Your ethics are considerably mixed up too.You are in the exact position of a thief who's been caught red handed and isn't sorry he stole but is terribly,terribly sorry he's going to jail.”
“A thief—”
“Oh,don't be so literal!In other words if you didn't have this silly idea that you were damned to hell fire eternal,you'd think you were well rid of Frank.”
“Oh,Rhett!”
“Oh,come!You are confessing and you might as well confess the truth as a decorous lie.Did your—er—conscience bother you much when you offered to—shall we say—part with that jewel which is dearer than life for three hundred dollars?”
The brandy was spinning in her head now and she felt giddy and a little reckless.What was the use in lying to him?He always seemed to read her mind.
“I really didn't think about God much then—or hell.And when I did think—well,I just reckoned God would understand.”
“But you don't credit God with understanding why you married Frank?”
“Rhett,how can you talk so about God when you know you don't believe there is one?”
“But you believe in a God of Wrath and that's what's important at present.Why shouldn't the Lord understand?Are you sorry you still own Tara and there aren't Carpetbaggers living there?Are you sorry you aren't hungry and ragged?”
“Oh,no!”
“Well,did you have any alternative except marrying Frank?”
“No.”
“He didn't have to marry you,did he?Men are free agents.And he didn't have to let you bully him into doing things he didn't want to,did he?”
“Well—”
“Scarlett,why worry about it?If you had it to do over again you would be driven to the lie and he to marrying you.You would still have run yourself into danger and he would have had to avenge you.If he had married Sister Sue,she might not have caused his death but she'd probably have made him twice as unhappy as you did.It couldn't have happened differently.”
“But I could have been nicer to him.”
“You could have been—if you'd been somebody else.But you were born to bully anyone who'll let you do it.The strong were made to bully and the weak to knuckle under.It's all Frank's fault for not beating you with a buggy whip....I'm surprised at you,Scarlett,for sprouting a conscience this late in life.Opportunists like you shouldn't have them.”
“What is an oppor—what did you call it?”
“A person who takes advantage of opportunities.”
“Is that wrong?”
“It has always been held in disrepute—especially by those who had the same opportunities and didn't take them.”
“Oh,Rhett,you are joking and I thought you were going to be nice!”
“I am being nice—for me.Scarlett,darling,you are tipsy.That's what's the matter with you.”
“You dare—”
“Yes,I dare.You are on the verge of what is vulgarly called a ‘crying jag'and so I shall change the subject and cheer you up by telling you some news that will amuse you.In fact,that's why I came here this evening,to tell you my news before I went away.”
“Where are you going?”
“To England and I may be gone for months.Forget your conscience,Scarlett.I have no intention of discussing your soul's welfare any further.Don't you want to hear my news?”
“But—”she began feebly and paused.Between the brandy which was smoothing out the harsh contours of remorse and Rhett's mocking but comforting words,the pale specter of Frank was receding into shadows.Perhaps Rhett was right.Perhaps God did understand.She recovered enough to push the idea from the top of her mind and decide:“I'll think about it all tomorrow.”
“What's your news?”she said with an effort,blowing her nose on his handkerchief and pushing back the hair that had begun to straggle.
“My news is this,”he answered,grinning down at her.“I still want you more than any woman I've ever seen and now that Frank is gone,I thought you'd be interested to know it.”
Scarlett jerked her hands away from his grasp and sprang to her feet.