Now she knew the haven she had sought in dreams,the place of warm safety which had always been hidden from her in the mist.It was not Ashley—oh,never Ashley!There was no more warmth in him than in a marsh light,no more security than in quicksand.It was Rhett—Rhett who had strong arms to hold her,a broad chest to pillow her tired head,jeering laughter to pull her affairs into proper perspective.And complete understanding,because he,like her,saw truth as truth,unobstructed by impractical notions of honor,sacrifice or high belief in human nature.He loved her!Why hadn't she realized that he loved her,for all his taunting remarks to the contrary?Melanie had seen it and with her last breath had said,“Be kind to him.”
“Oh,”she thought,“Ashley's not the only stupidly blind person.I should have seen.”
For years she had had her back against the stone wall of Rhett's love and had taken it as much for granted as she had taken Melanie's love,flattering herself that she drew her strength from herself alone.And even as she had realized earlier in the evening that Melanie had been beside her in her bitter campaigns against life,now she knew that silent in the background,Rhett had stood,loving her,understanding her,ready to help.Rhett at the bazaar,reading her impatience in her eyes and leading her out in the reel,Rhett helping her out of the bondage of mourning,Rhett convoying her through the fire and explosions the night Atlanta fell,Rhett lending her the money that gave her her start,Rhett who comforted her when she woke in the nights crying with fright from her dreams—why,no man did such things without loving a woman to distraction!
The trees dripped dampness upon her but she did not feel it.The mist swirled about her and she paid it no heed.For when she thought of Rhett,with his swarthy face,flashing teeth and dark alert eyes,a trembling came over her.
“I love him,”she thought and,as always,she accepted the truth with little wonder,as a child accepting a gift.“I don't know how long I've loved him but it's true.And if it hadn't been for Ashley,I'd have realized it long ago.I've never been able to see the world at all,because Ashley stood in the way.”
She loved him,scamp,blackguard,without scruple or honor—at least,honor as Ashley saw it.“Damn Ashley's honor!”she thought.“Ashley's honor has always let me down.Yes,from the very beginning when he kept on coming to see me,even though he knew his family expected him to marry Melanie.Rhett has never let me down,even that dreadful night of Melanie's reception when he ought to have wrung my neck.Even when he left me on the road the night Atlanta fell,he knew I'd be safe.He knew I'd get through somehow.Even when he acted like he was going to make me pay to get that money from him at the Yankee camp.He wouldn't have taken me.He was just testing me.He's loved me all along and I've been so mean to him.Time and again,I've hurt him and he was too proud to show it.And when Bonnie died—Oh,how could I?”
She stood up straight and looked at the house on the hill.She had thought,half an hour ago,that she had lost everything in the world,except money,everything that made life desirable,Ellen,Gerald,Bonnie,Mammy,Melanie and Ashley.She had to lose them all to realize that she loved Rhett—loved him because he was strong and unscrupulous,passionate and earthy,like herself.
“I'll tell him everything,”she thought.“He'll understand.He's always understood.I'll tell him what a fool I've been and how much I love him and I'll make it all up to him.”
Suddenly she felt strong and happy.She was not afraid of the darkness or the fog and she knew with a singing in her heart that she would never fear them again.No matter what mists might curl around her in the future,she knew her refuge.She started briskly up the street toward home and the blocks seemed very long.Far,far too long.She caught up her skirts to her knees and began to run lightly.But this time she was not running from fear.She was running because Rhett's arms were at the end of the street.
Chapter 63
The front door was slightly ajar and she trotted,breathless,into the hall and paused for a moment under the rainbow prisms of the chandelier.For all its brightness the house was very still,not with the serene stillness of sleep but with a watchful,tired silence that was faintly ominous.She saw at a glance that Rhett was not in the parlor or the library and her heart sank.Suppose he should be out—out with Belle or wherever it was he spent the many evenings when he did not appear at the supper table?She had not bargained on this.
She had started up the steps in search of him when she saw that the door of the dining room was closed.Her heart contracted a little with shame at the sight of that closed door,remembering the many nights of this last summer when Rhett had sat there alone,drinking until he was sodden and Pork came to urge him to bed.That had been her fault but she'd change it all.Everything was going to be different from now on—but,please God,don't let him be too drunk tonight.If he's too drunk he won't believe me and he'll laugh at me and that will break my heart.
She quietly opened the dining-room door a crack and peered in.He was seated before the table,slumped in his chair,and a full decanter stood before him with the stopper in place,the glass unused.Thank God,he was sober!She pulled open the door,holding herself back from running to him.But when he looked up at her,something in his gaze stopped her dead on the threshold,stilled the words on her lips.