I was so unlucky. I was cursed. I was already crushed by debt, I barely even dared to go and eat in the college canteen in case someone saw how wretched I was. I always went when nobody else was there, and ate the pickles that cost five fen. And I knew that girl Mei Cun had started to get interested in me. I could tell. But I didn't have time to think about that too. Bouquets of flowers and beautiful women are for other men, I thought to myself. You're just a pile of steaming dog shit, so quit dreaming.
Argh … at first I thought I could struggle through a few years to get my lectureship, and then maybe rise up to become a Doctoral supervisor. But I couldn't even sort my own stuff out. How could I dispel students' problems?
I myself am the "problem" .
I wandered the streets all night long.
I was considering whether to smash my "iron rice bowl" , this job I had fought so hard for.
In the last few years I had published a few articles. My new piece was about to be published, I would soon be made an associate professor, and the girl Mei Cun's gaze, charming, limpid, full of tenderness and love … I didn't want to give these things up.
She made me drool. Just her voice, so melodious and yet so passionate, was an irresistible lure. I had told myself, be restrained. If oysters are too expensive, don't eat them. But I couldn't resist sneaking glance after glance at her. I said before, I no longer went "running" . I grit my teeth, I studied hard and worked hard, I ruled myself with an iron fist. But since that first time, Mei Cun had sought me out herself. Every now and then she would come to me to "ask some questions" … A few times I bumped into her in the canteen. "Mr. Wu," she said, "Why are you here so late? They've run out of food."
"Oh, well …" I said, "I was busy and got delayed." I restrained myself, refusing to look at her. After that, I bumped into her on my way to the canteen several times. I realised she was doing it deliberately. She was often changing her clothes, and appearing in front of me unexpectedly. Things are always like that. If you don't provoke her she will provoke you. It's the law of action and reaction. Sometimes, the further away you are, the stronger the centripetal force is. What could I do?
Mei Cun told me, "You should eat plenty of yoghurt. It's good for the stomach."
"Huh," I said in agreement.
"In the mornings you should eat an egg," Mei Cun said, "And at night, drink a glass of milk and eat an apple."
"Uh huh," I said. But what about the money? The money!
And she said, "Do you listen to music? The Japanese Kitaro's work is so vast, a great desolation. You must listen to it."
Did she know what desolation was? A city girl from a cadre's family, four grandparents at home doting on her, and she talks about desolation? She didn't know I was carrying a mountain on my back. I couldn't tell her, I didn't dare to tell her, who I really was. I just wanted to gaze at her, from afar. To country children, staying alive is the essential thing.
Did I have to keep on pretending in front of her?
How many more years did I have to keep pretending here?
Gradually the people around me on the streets thinned out. The roar of cars became fainter and fainter. A deathly pale crescent moon hung in the sky, a hole punched out of it. I gazed at the buildings and the rows and rows of lights. I still didn't have a light that belonged to me. I was willing to fight on despite that. I come from tough origins, I'm not afraid of a tough life. And this was much better than before … but those phone calls had left my professional dreams in disarray. I simply couldn't stay there any longer.
Suddenly the idea of leaving entered my head. It was very powerful. My heart said, "I have to leave, I have to leave this place. If I don't …"
I circled round the streets like a wandering ghost. I told myself, resign. You're hopeless, you don't even try to save dying babies, and you couldn't save anyone anyway. Therefore, you don't have the face to stay in this city.
Actually my heart felt tormented. I still felt uneasy. When dawn came, vendors selling breakfast one by one brought their stalls onto the street. I went and bought a paper at a stall that sold hot pepper soup and the Morning Post. As I flicked the paper open, my eyes fell on my cousin Kunsheng. His photo was the main headline of page two. He was kneeling on the ground holding a sign, and next to him, in shocking bold letters: "Save my children!"
I silently breathed a sigh of relief. I told myself, someone will save the kids. You can go.
There was a reason I dared to quit, to smash my iron rice bowl.
All the years I was in the provincial capital, I had exchanged letters with an old schoolmate whose nickname was "Camel" . He was always tempting me. It might have been one phrase of his that moved me. He said, "A great age is coming." And he showed off an English word: "newmoney" .
"We will become the Newmoney of this age!" he said.
But just before I left, I wanted to see Mei Cun one more time.
I told myself: Break it off properly.
Actually that was just an excuse. I still had a selfish motive. I wanted her to wait five years for me. After five years I would return and marry her. The ancients were right when they said, "If you can pluck the blooming flower, pluck it straight away. Don't wait until the flower is gone and pluck an empty branch." If a cherry is ripe and you wait five years to pick it, will it still be a "cherry" ? Aren't you afraid it will be a withered walnut? I also knew that behind a girl as beautiful as Mei Cun, a whole line of suitors were waiting. But she was my first love. I didn't have any hope, but I still had a longing—a vain longing.
Because I was about to leave, suddenly I became bold. I arranged to meet her at the college sports ground the night after I handed in my resignation. It was a large ground, and under the moonlight, we were mere silhouettes, a faint black ink painting. The night hid my poverty. I had nothing, but I had a weapon.
"I'm leaving," I said, "I want to say goodbye."
She was surprised. "Leaving? Where are you going?"
"I'm resigning. I'm leaving the college …"
"Are you mad? You're joking?"